my mom and i used to look for four leaf clovers together. she was a master at it, could find them by just walking through the grass, always with her hands clasped behind her back. sometimes she’d ruffle the tufts with her foot is she suspected maybe that extra leaf was from a clover neighbor and not a lucky one at all.
every spring i’m compelled to find one. the parks are full of lush clover mounds. the past couple days i’ve been searching hard for one; like out on a mission, crouching, serious searching, digging into the depths.
today i was on my walk and had planned to end in the park to desperately look for that elusive four leafed wonder. i had a bit of a heavy heart over some family hurt and was praying about it, thinking how my mom would know exactly what to do and how to handle it. i felt sad and to the point of crying out there in the open sky, then i saw it. my four leaf clover!
it was an answer to prayer. not so much finding the clover, but what my heart was breaking over. this was an ease of mind, a peace that surpasses all understanding. my soul asked, ‘is it going to be okay then?’ at that moment i saw the other one. that was the validation: the ‘yes.’
just when i was breaking, i got the comfort i needed. i didn’t have to search for it or work for it. it was a sweet gift and the most perfect timing because it wasn’t mine, it was His.
now i have two lucky clovers: one for me, one for her.
two years ago yesterday, i lost my mom. it’s something that you never quite get over. there’s always something that reminds you of her or some really great news you just can’t wait to tell her. and the void can’t ever be filled.
but this year, instead of mourning the loss of her i wanted to celebrate her life and love. she was such a beautiful woman with a big heart, soft hands, and so much grace. she was always the first one to give an encouraging word or a hug or a helping hand. she was a prayer warrior and a solid foundation for our family. my mom was the greatest. she taught me how to be a wife and mother. she also taught me to protect the things i hold most dear, to make faith, family and friends the highest priority.
matt sent me flowers. hydrangeas, my favorite. that meant the world to me. i got to spend the evening having dinner with two of my dearest girlfriends. and that fed my soul. i was surrounded by life and love yesterday. and it made me realize that sometimes beauty is born from death. just like spring is more glorious because of the harshness of winter, we understand how precious life’s moments are when we lose someone we love. we grasp it much tighter. celebrate it with more joy. and that’s what i want for this year. i want to live 2015 to its fullest measure. not in doing crazy things, but in being present in every minute of every day. not striving for the next thing, but being content with what i’ve been given. and then i want to give more of myself back to the people i love. because i have been given so much and i am the most blessed.